You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
