For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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