dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
