the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
