I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
