In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And then my night got REAL pukey
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
