I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
