Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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