can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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