There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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