dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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