I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Buhtt sex?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
