I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
