Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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