The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
