I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My penis needs a shock collar
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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