It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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