my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
