She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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