Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
