all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
