Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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