im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize