And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
