The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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