I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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