This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
