I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
