the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
