I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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