So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
not ubering you a puppy
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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