Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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