Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
