so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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