I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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