I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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