Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
