I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
