I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
