The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just invented taco cereal.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
