Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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