if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
