Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
