I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
