My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
