Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
