you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
