the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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