gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
