I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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