Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
