I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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