i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
