Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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