he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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