I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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