So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
