everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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