I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
