I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i think i just lost a toe
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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