she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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