Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
