I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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