Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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